Saturday 🧵

 

Weekend 🧵

 

 

New thread🧵

 

End of August, begining September 🧵

 

Saturday 17 August

 

Happy Holiday Weeks

 

Have a smashing week

 

New thread Wednesday 🧵🪡🧶

 **I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric, and cable company."

**An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!"

She said, "I can teach it good manners." 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, "Did you learn your lesson?" It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 

The parrot said "Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?

**A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

 End of June thread 🧵🪡

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Monday🎶🎵🎶

                                                  A new day, a new week and a new thread🧵

 

 Memorial Day, Monday 27 May

https://youtu.be/OR_-lKRLBWA?si=xOBbdk6SznVPKEes

Fred walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.

He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" Fred replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."

The bartender runs outside and sure enough there is a genie. Without hesitation the bartender says "Genie, I wish for a million bucks!" The genie snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.

The bartender walks back inside and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

Fred says, "You're telling me. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"